If your threat model is as high as you say it is Gary then you shouldn’t be using a computer for electronic correspondence. Paper, paper, never data.
“Thanks, guys. Not.”
Pay a developer to make some custom-made software for you because there’s no such thing as a free lunch.
Being an ingrate doesn’t endear you to anybody. Free software has been made and instead of thanking people for it all you can say is “WTF”. Whatever is happening to journalism.